Today was quite possible the best day ever online. Why, you ask?
Because of the epic QueryFail.
Colleen Lindsay, a brilliant literary agent, initiated the first ever QueryFail Day on Twitter. All day, agents and editors posted horrific query stories (of course, without any personal references) on Twitter. These posts both entertained and informed those of us who decided to follow it on a livefeed. While some of them were simply ridiculous, some of them were things that regular people might have actually done. Some examples:
- Always always ALWAYS read the editor’s submission guidelines! Sending an attachment when it’s not asked for, sending more or less than asked for, or trying to get them to represent something they say they don’t represent is an automatic rejection. Always. You are not special; there are no exceptions.
- Make sure you include the name of the person you’re querying. I know, I know, this is stupid. But people really do write “Dear Sir or Madam” or “To Whom It May Concern.” At least, that’s what the editors and agents said. Take the time, find their name, and write, “Dear ____.” If you think it’s more professional the other way, by what I read they don’t see it that way.
- Don’t build yourself up. Unless you are a celebrity with multi-billion dollar deals and you’re writing your first book, the agents don’t really care who you are or what you’ve done. The only exception (by what I read) is if you’re writing non-fiction and they need to know your platform. Focus on your writing and honing the craft; the autobiography can come later.
- Which is pretty much my next point, but it bears reiterating: YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. There will always be people better at this job called writing than you are, so nothing will EVER be handed to you because you ‘deserve’ it. Period.
- Do the legwork. No matter how amazing your book is, no one will know if you screw up and send the wrong thing to the wrong person. Don’t send a Christian query to a secular agent, and don’t send a piece of erotica to an inspirational editor. Don’t be dumb.
- Don’t mention other people you’ve queried. If you’re doing a simultaneous submission thing, sure, let them know, but don’t quote those people who rejected you because they said something nice. It’ll just make the agent you’re querying wonder what they saw.
- Finally, my last point: from what I’ve read, we as writers need to spend almost as much time on our queries as we do on our books. Write, critique, edit, and rewrite it to death before you even THINK about sending it out. Then when you finally do think to send it, sleep on it. Get a fresh view. Queries are the first thing the agent (or editor) sees. It should ooze with as much voice and preparation as the work itself. Because, lets face it, if they don’t like the query they won’t even see the work. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot, please? (And, of course, same rule applies for the synopsis and proposals and all those.)
Finally. And now, just for fun, a taste of the madness:
“I have been writing since I could hold a crayon, and before that I used finger paints.”
“It is not necessary to include a glossy 8×10 headshot of your face. No, really.”
“My book is about a friendship based upon mutual vomiting practices in high school.”
“My inner voices told me to send this to you. I channeled the whole thing from an angel named Thomas.”
“I don’t have any new material to share so I’m attaching an already contracted novella.”
“If your guidelines are that unforgiving, then stop here and pass on something that could be special.”
“I have a manucript and scratch and sniff samples for your perusal.”
“My credentials for writing this book include: A divine mandate to speak the Word of God.”
And who could forget the one about the how-to book on crocheting cat hair? Samples included, of course.
Happy #QueryFail Day!
nemil 